~*~ Pathetic Scaredy Cat ~*~
Yup that's me in one word
PA
THE
TIC
I was due to fly out of Heathrow last night to attend the workshop my friends {nat}, {schulu}, {andrea} and {liz} were holding, when my fear of flying came back at such full force that I couldn't go on the flight. I could cry...well, actually - cry, I did. A LOT.
What bugs me most are these looks you get from some people when you explain to them that you just can't be on that plane, like you are totally deluded and irrational. The last word really winds me up a lot though. It sounds patronizing and I actually find it insulting when I hear it - to me, the fear, which makes me hyperventilate is NOT irrational at all - it is very much there, and me going ON that plane would be irrational, as not only would I get hysterical fits on the aircraft, I would upset everyone else on that plane....so, I asked the guy at the gate to take me and my suitcase off, I just couldn't do it. He looked at me in this patronizing way, explaining that there is nothing wrong with the plane and it would be safe to fly....I was close to thumping him then. Did he really think I was just blowing almost £300 on the flight, the workshop and my bus ticket just for the sheer heck of it?? I had to save up a long time to afford this holiday and I just don't give it up easily.
After I called Nat and cried my eyes out, I spoke to my Mom who was equally sad that I wouldn't make it but she understood. She has been through this with me before when I booked flights out to Hamburg to see them and cancelled them on the last minute. And now that I think about it, they were always the flight going out of Heathrow...weird, hu?
Let's start at the beginning though and how it built up to such a horrible day for me - because I know, I would have flown if the plane would have gone from Southampton or Gatwick. I can handle those airports.
First off I always plan my connections in such a way that I have a leeway of approx 2 - 3 hours in between, to cater for any delays and such. So taking the bus from Southampton at 13:45 to catch the flight leaving 18:35 from Heathrow was more than sufficient - or so I thought.
The bus didn't even arrive on time and was half an hour late, then getting from one stop-and-go to the next. Instead of arriving at 15:20 (as expected), we arrived 16:45. Seeing that I never travel BA or from Heathrow I also didn't know that you have to check yourself in (no mention of that during the online booking process either), so like a good little girl I queued up with everyone else. There were 4 sections for European destinations and all had queues stretching all the way to the next section. After 15 minutes someone actually advised us that we need to print out our own boarding pass...WTF???? So I (and others) had to come out of the queue, get to some weird touch screen and get the ticket printed out only to then having to queue AGAIN, to drop the bags off. By the time I was through to Passport control, it was already 17:30 - and was beginning to worry that I will not make the flight as the gate was supposed to close at 18:15.
Passport control was a doddle but then we had to go through the security check - frickin' heck!!!! queues again as long as they eye could see...I had a good mind turning around and not going anymore. By the time I got through to the departure lounge it was 17:50 and I started to freak, thinking I am never gonna make that flight, only to find out that my flight to Hamburg was (of course) the only one delayed already....the screen said 18:25 boarding anticipated. But it also flickered between two Flight Numbers from BA to JL and I got really antsy by then, asking at Customer Services why my flight had two numbers and if that meant I am not going on a BA plane. The very nice lady explained to me that this was a "shared" flight for some travellers who had come from overseas with their JL flight and were continuing on to Hamburg.
At 18:25 we still had no information as to which gate to go to or at what time the flight would leave. 15 minutes later I finally knew I had to get to Gate 43, of course one of the ones the furthest away and according to Heathrow's time chart it takes approx 10 - 15 minutes to walk there. Great.
At the gate there still was no indication on when we'd be going and announcement was made that due to the plane being delayed it would still take a while and at around 19:00 that's when I totally lost it and demanded to be taken off. It was just too much going wrong on this day and I felt apprehensive about setting step on a plane that I did not feel comfortable about.
My suitcase was waiting for me at the carousel, a lonely pink suitcase filled with scrapping goodies for my friends (who probably will never, ever invite me again) and I was in tears again.
But if I thought that the worst was over, I had to think again. The journey home was unbelievable.
Changing my bus ticket to get home that night was no problem, even though I had to pay a fee. Waiting for my bus to leave at 20:45, which would have meant me being home at midnight, at 21:15 I started to get really annoyed. No sign of the bus and no sign of anyone at National Express taking any responsibility or (heaven forbid) even given us a scope on when the bus would arrive. Tempers flared amongst everyone waiting for that bus as all of us missed vital connections, some having to face being stranded in Southampton for the night with no place to stay.
1 hour and 15 minutes after its scheduled departure our bus finally came - no word of apologies or anything and a bus driver which I would have loved to punch in the face. Seriously, that guy was so late, had a number of passengers on board of whom he knew we needed to get to Southampton pronto so we would make our connections and the bastard stops for a CIGARETTE break!!! I stormed off the bus and ordered him back in - told him that I will not accept missing another car ferry due to him being late. Somehow I must have gotten to him as he only dared to take on drag of his ciggy and then got us to Southampton 1 hour and 25 minutes late.
To cut a long story short - I missed another car ferry and had to wait at midnight, in Southampton, on my own, amongst all those drunkards who came from their night out, for an hour before I could finally get on my last leg of this "fantastic" journey.
At 2:30am I finally fell into bed, hugged by Lyndon who - I guess - was the only one really happy about me being back earlier than I should have been.....
I am not quite sure what to make of my fear coming back so strong but personally I put it down to all the all the delays and I am sure my next flight will be fine - yesterday I was determined that I need to cancel my upcoming cruise as I have to fly back from NY, but you know what?? I am gonna beat my demons again. I think it is different as well - being in NY I have no way of getting back home if I chicken out....
I am still upset that I didn't make it to Hamburg, but the best way to deal with these w
eird "quirks" of mine is probably to scrap them....so that's what I did - scrapped yesterdays failure and feel much better about it already. And I even remembered to carry on with my Scrap Your Stash challenge and used papers from Imaginisence - that'll be my letter "I" over and done with.
Products: Papers - Imginisence ** Chipboard - Bazzill (alpha), Rusty Pickle (soorw) ** Buttons - Rusty Pickle
Now I need to go and get totally and utterly wasted on some booze, to wash the thought of yesterday away.
Nat, Schulu, Andrea, Liz, Daniela - I am ever so sorry that I let you guys down but I will be brave next time. That's a promise!
